A Night I Learned Something About Dancing

March 7, 2010

How many guys do you hear say that they love to dance? I thought so. Well you get it here: I love to dance!

One night I went to a dance club. And I was all dancing. I’m used to dancing to 80s music but this place had some other kinds of music. I wasn’t so used to dancing to it.

There was this one girl I noticed dancing. The song was this heavy grungy gangster rap song. Gee wiz golly. And I started watching this girl and she was amazing.

She danced, and she was perfect. Her arms were up in the air and she shook her body dancing. She wasn’t shy at all, at least when she was dancing.

She taught me how to dance to that song and I really learned something. That the music determines the style of the dance. You might have some dance which you can modify to the beat of lots of songs. But that’s a quite limited view. You can’t just move to the beat. Not only do you have to dance to the beat of the music, you also have to have the style of the music in your dance. The dance is the song in visual form. When you see the dance you should hear the music, whether it is playing or not.

And that’s what this girl did so well, she had the style of the song. She was the song and she was amazing. She’s one of those rare and unique youtube videos that you just stare at over and over again because it is just so perfect in some way. I wish that I had recorded her dancing on video, it would have gotten a million page views.

I never thought heavy gangster rap could be so good.

Weirdest Thing

March 7, 2010

This is so weird that it warrants a post.

For a very long time I’ve wanted a certain kind of girl. And I might have found just that kind of girl recently. She lives in England, which kind of makes sense because I’ve never found such a girl in California.

And she’s interested in going forward in starting a relationship and talking and seeing where things go. And she’s the kind of women that would probably make a good long-term relationship and wife, a thing I have dreamed of for many years. And I find myself turning this away, saying no thanks. I was talking to her today and I wanted to explain to her why I wasn’t that interested in moving forward and I was thinking and thinking of some rational reason for my behavior, or at least some kind reasoning or experience and I couldn’t pin point it. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I just feel like avoiding and I don’t know why. Isn’t this what I always wanted?

I’ve been feeling this and thinking about this. Maybe I don’t want what I used to want. Maybe what I want is modified from what I wanted in the past. This is a very recent change. I really started considering this when I saw how I felt concerning this English girl. I’ve changed my mind about what I want. Maybe I’m different. Or maybe it just took actually finding and confronting the actual reality of having what I have wanted to have to see that it isn’t what I actually want and that I had just thought I wanted it.

Maybe it’s how things developed, talking to her online and discussing her coming to California and visiting me, just rubbed me wrong. Maybe the approach just turned me off for some reason.

I definitely feel a sense of commitment required in me concerning this women and that scares me. Real commitment that could actually occur. Maybe I don’t want commitment. I used to think I did.

I think I do want commitment, but I think it just has to be right. I don’t want it to feel like a burden.

What do I want. Sometimes I think I just want an attractive woman to play with and have sex with. Is that so wrong? Of course I want other things too, things change and my desires and needs change. I guess I just certainly haven’t had enough attractive women to play with and have sex with.

Attractive women are so incredibly interesting to me to the point that I think it may or could make them uncomfortable. I mean interesting like I’m just so interested in every little detail about an attractive women and I’m so attentive. I don’t know why it is so interesting but it certainly is. An attractive woman could just sit there and do nothing and I would be quite interested. My only uneasiness is that I wouldn’t want to make the girl uneasy or bored or something — oh I’m so concerned of the comfort of an attractive lady. See, now aren’t you feeling a little funny about my attitude? All I can say is that I do like being interested in things. So oh well.

What Do I Have To Offer?

February 7, 2010

It’s a good question. What do I have to offer women? Why should they be with me?

I’m not a particularly out going person. Some guys have lots of charm and talk when they first meet a girl, making a girl feel comfortable and talkative etc. I really don’t have that going for me.

I’m more of a subtle, silent type. I don’t like groups very much when it comes to women. I’m more of a one on one kind of person. I just like it being her and I. I think I tend to develop something over time with a girl. That’s why I’m untalkative at first and distant etc. Over time I develop a feeling for a girl and my communication comes from that.

I don’t always have a shining and great personality to offer a girl. In the beginning I don’t have much personality to offer. Hmm…. perhaps this is why I prefer short dates at first with a girl that I really like.

After I’ve been physical with a girl or had sex with her my charm comes on and I feel much more comfortable and happy being with her. I’m funny and silly and loving and caring. Frankly I love being me when I’m that and I know that some women cannot help but melt under my lightly teasing humor and smiles. When this really happens I know that I really have a woman and I love her. I love to love a woman, and it really brings out my personality. I’m very physical and I love to be close and touch a woman in various ways when I’m talking with her or even not talking at all, but when I’m with a woman like that it’s like I’m always talking, but it’s just with my hands and body and mind.

Other things I have to offer women:
Well I have a one bedroom apartment that is okay. I have a car and I am stable financially. I am well physically and I do not get involved with drugs or anything illegal or particularly troublesome. So I offer general stability, well being and a place to stay and transportation.

Recently my dad told me that when you marry a woman that you have to keep in mind that you are also marrying her family. I’m sure it works the other way around too. If I ever got involved enough with a woman, she would meet my family and I would have my family to offer her. And that is a real treat because my family is very loving and simply amazing and good people.

I have sex to offer a woman. Sex everyday, happily and willingly, to her vagina’s content. I have a consistent daily sex drive. Frankly it drives me nuts.

I think the main important thing I’d have to offer is a partner in living life. A team member, the team being her and I. But I’m unsure what is the main important thing or things that a good woman needs from a man. What are the best things that a man can offer a woman for her to be with him?

The main things I’d want to give are my love, smiles and laughs, sex, and a close partner in conquering life. That’s really my dream.

Starting To Date Again

February 7, 2010

I haven’t been dating new women since October 2009. Well I’m going to start now again.

It seems hard. I don’t like following social rules and dating seems like a lot of unspoken social rules that I’m unsure really exist or not. My instinctual response is to hell with the rules and I’ll just be real and honest, and frankly, I’ll be plain and simple, because I am plain and simple.

But I don’t think this is good enough. People say “be yourself”. Sure this can be good advice. But guess what? I’m not always confident, I don’t always want to dress especially nice, and I don’t necessarily want to be in places where there are women. etc. etc. Being yourself is fine. But I don’t think me just being myself will get me women. I need something more.

I’m a technical person. When most people think of technology they think of computers and electronics and things like that. Not me, not really. When I think of technology I think of methods of doing things that work. That’s technology. And computer and electronics technologies are just methods of doing things that work.

There’s lots of technologies. There’s the technology of how to sell things, there’s the technology of how to be a good parent, there’s the technology of being an accountant. Etc. Etc.

So for me, what I have to develop for myself is the technology of dating. The technology of getting woman so that I can have as much women, and the kind of women that I want. There’s probably nothing that I want more than some good women, or even just the one single perfect woman for me.

So the technology of getting women to the product of getting as much of the kind of women as I want.

Fine, let’s see if I can develop that technology for myself.

Let’s start now. And let’s start by dividing what I do know from what I don’t know:

1. Appearance does matter. But mostly it matters in terms of initially attracting a woman and gaining her acceptance to be associated with you. It helps in initially meeting a woman. It also helps me personally as I will feel more confident and secure if I am nicely dressed and looking good.

2. Confidence. Women like confidence. They want their guy to know what they are doing and be sure and certain and to take action. They don’t want their guy to be or show insecurity or uncertainty. So be certain, do things like you mean it.

On some kinds of dates like meeting for coffee I get bored really fast and then I don’t know what the hell to do and so I’m uncertain. I’m not going to do that anymore. I think I’ll bring a chess game or something like that. And if I get bored I’ll just end the date there and then and go home. Before I go home, if I like the girl a little, I’ll ask her if she wants to come over, with the intention of making out or fooling around. I don’t know if it is an error or not to ask a girl if she wants to come over on the first date.

What I don’t know:
Sometimes I’ll go on a first date with a girl that I’ll be excited about and really like and then they don’t want to see me anymore. What the hell is this? I don’t really know why this happens. I think I become somewhat clingy or something and they don’t want to see me again. So I have to change how I handle this. I don’t understand what is happening here. Usually the girl has some stupid excuse like she’s too busy with school to date right now, when I think that if she liked me she would find a way to make it work. Why the hell doesn’t she just tell me that she doesn’t really like me that much and so would prefer to date someone else or do other things? Fuck shit, this situation is so frustrating. I think this is my number one frustration. I feel like I’m being lied to and I don’t know the truth.

How am I going to date?
Get a date with a girl. There are several different evaluations about a girl on a first date:

I can find out if I like her or not on the first date. There are three evaluations and reactions:
1. I really like the girl.
2. I’m not particularly interested in the girl but wouldn’t mind her companionship and sex.
3. I’m not interested in this girl and I don’t want to associate with her.

I don’t know what I should do with the first kind of girl. This is where I’m uncertain and what I don’t know. Maybe this is why I fail with this kind of girl. I do know what I want to do with this kind of girl. I want to get to know her slowly. I want her to get to know me slowly. This means a quick first date. This means a fast second date. This is me not talking too much. This is me sending her flowers at work. Hmmmmm….. Maybe I should actually try this method (which I never did really), it might actually work out! Holly molly. hmmm. Perhaps it is worth a try? I’ve sort of done this, but what I did was long uncertain dates, being and feeling clingy. Maybe I should just really handle it like how I want to. Wow! I want to try this now. Lots of short dates, I don’t talk very much. I send flowers. Nothing physical. For dates and dates and dates. Hmmm. I really feel that’s how I would want to do it. I don’t know why.

The second girl I invite over or I ask her if I can come over to her place and I fool around with her and talk with her and have fun with her and maybe have sex with her.

The third kind of girl I’m polite to and leave. Sometimes this girl is still interested in me when I want to leave.

This draws me to another conclusion that I should treat the girl that I like, like the girl I’m not really interested in or the girl I don’t want to associate with with the difference that I keep dating the girl that I like. There’s this strategy.

So for the girl that I really like, I see two possible strategies:
1. Go straight for the fooling around and sex, treating her like the girl I’m not really interested in but like the companionship and sex with.
2. Have the fast, relatively uninformative, unphysical dates, but certain dates.– I feel like this wouldn’t work, but it’s what I’d want to do. Crap, frack.

I think my answer to boredom on a date or uncertainty about what to do next is ending the date and leaving. We’ll see if this has workability or not.

A Saturday To Remember

August 4, 2008

She was at my place. I could almost not believe it. She is 5’2, 112 or so pounds. A short pretty girl with hips and long brown hair and doey brown eyes. She looks American and she’s completely americanized, but not quite so. She doesn’t seem to have the Americaness that I don’t like (like drugs and heavy partying and unrealness). She’s got some Mexican in her or something. I can see it in her eyes and hair and the shade in her skin. Is it American Indian? Whichever it is, it is beautiful and she is so beautiful and seems so good. I love the way she looks and walks, especially with those hips. I love how tall she is. You know there is a saying that short girls were made for tall guys. I think I might have invented it.

I’m sitting on the sofa in the living room, all 5’10, 180lbs of me. I’m waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. This is our third date. I liked the first two. They were nice and interesting. So far it seems that things get a little more interesting each time we see each other. I think that is a good sign. The best thing, and which makes my spirits their highest is that when I talk to her, she is really there, and I feel that what we have said and experienced has really been what it was. There is a lot about her that I don’t know, but I feel that what I have experienced with her will not be betrayed. I have been hurt so many times in the past and things have been unreal.

Perhaps this is why I feel the way I do right now. I’m distracted by my breathing, it’s light and uneven and strained. I’m really nervous and excited. I’m thinking of what I’m going to do when she comes out. I know I’m romantic to the bone, but I also know one other thing: I’m unbelievably silly — and I can’t help it. Maybe it is strange when these two properties come out and manifest together.

When she comes out I’m going to sit her on the sofa and kiss her. Then I will tell her that she is the prettiest girl I have ever kissed. And it will be true. I have dreamed of kissing the prettiest girl I have ever kissed. Thought of it on many occasions. This is a brilliant big deal to me. I’m going to attempt to make it happen.

But, new thought…, and I realize, and start to feel bad. Am I using her to fulfill my fantasy? I’m not one to use a girl. I abide by the heart and good sense. Aughh, I’m suddenly perplexed and conflicted.

She comes around the corner in her jeans that hug those hips. I tell her to come over here and sit down by me and she does. Looking at her across from me a foot away I tell her, “I want to kiss you.” I put my hand over hers on the couch, like how it happens in the movies. She looks at me, touches of redness coming into her cheeks.

“Okay,” she says, looking at me.

“You are so beautiful. I really like to look at you. I was just thinking about kissing you and about a fantasy I had.” I tell her the fantasy, but that I don’t want to use her. “But I want you to know that besides my fantasy, I want to kiss you anyway.”

This is a laughable moment, but neither of us laugh.

“Then kiss me,” she says.

I do.