Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Weirdest Thing

March 7, 2010

This is so weird that it warrants a post.

For a very long time I’ve wanted a certain kind of girl. And I might have found just that kind of girl recently. She lives in England, which kind of makes sense because I’ve never found such a girl in California.

And she’s interested in going forward in starting a relationship and talking and seeing where things go. And she’s the kind of women that would probably make a good long-term relationship and wife, a thing I have dreamed of for many years. And I find myself turning this away, saying no thanks. I was talking to her today and I wanted to explain to her why I wasn’t that interested in moving forward and I was thinking and thinking of some rational reason for my behavior, or at least some kind reasoning or experience and I couldn’t pin point it. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I just feel like avoiding and I don’t know why. Isn’t this what I always wanted?

I’ve been feeling this and thinking about this. Maybe I don’t want what I used to want. Maybe what I want is modified from what I wanted in the past. This is a very recent change. I really started considering this when I saw how I felt concerning this English girl. I’ve changed my mind about what I want. Maybe I’m different. Or maybe it just took actually finding and confronting the actual reality of having what I have wanted to have to see that it isn’t what I actually want and that I had just thought I wanted it.

Maybe it’s how things developed, talking to her online and discussing her coming to California and visiting me, just rubbed me wrong. Maybe the approach just turned me off for some reason.

I definitely feel a sense of commitment required in me concerning this women and that scares me. Real commitment that could actually occur. Maybe I don’t want commitment. I used to think I did.

I think I do want commitment, but I think it just has to be right. I don’t want it to feel like a burden.

What do I want. Sometimes I think I just want an attractive woman to play with and have sex with. Is that so wrong? Of course I want other things too, things change and my desires and needs change. I guess I just certainly haven’t had enough attractive women to play with and have sex with.

Attractive women are so incredibly interesting to me to the point that I think it may or could make them uncomfortable. I mean interesting like I’m just so interested in every little detail about an attractive women and I’m so attentive. I don’t know why it is so interesting but it certainly is. An attractive woman could just sit there and do nothing and I would be quite interested. My only uneasiness is that I wouldn’t want to make the girl uneasy or bored or something — oh I’m so concerned of the comfort of an attractive lady. See, now aren’t you feeling a little funny about my attitude? All I can say is that I do like being interested in things. So oh well.

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Starting To Date Again

February 7, 2010

I haven’t been dating new women since October 2009. Well I’m going to start now again.

It seems hard. I don’t like following social rules and dating seems like a lot of unspoken social rules that I’m unsure really exist or not. My instinctual response is to hell with the rules and I’ll just be real and honest, and frankly, I’ll be plain and simple, because I am plain and simple.

But I don’t think this is good enough. People say “be yourself”. Sure this can be good advice. But guess what? I’m not always confident, I don’t always want to dress especially nice, and I don’t necessarily want to be in places where there are women. etc. etc. Being yourself is fine. But I don’t think me just being myself will get me women. I need something more.

I’m a technical person. When most people think of technology they think of computers and electronics and things like that. Not me, not really. When I think of technology I think of methods of doing things that work. That’s technology. And computer and electronics technologies are just methods of doing things that work.

There’s lots of technologies. There’s the technology of how to sell things, there’s the technology of how to be a good parent, there’s the technology of being an accountant. Etc. Etc.

So for me, what I have to develop for myself is the technology of dating. The technology of getting woman so that I can have as much women, and the kind of women that I want. There’s probably nothing that I want more than some good women, or even just the one single perfect woman for me.

So the technology of getting women to the product of getting as much of the kind of women as I want.

Fine, let’s see if I can develop that technology for myself.

Let’s start now. And let’s start by dividing what I do know from what I don’t know:

1. Appearance does matter. But mostly it matters in terms of initially attracting a woman and gaining her acceptance to be associated with you. It helps in initially meeting a woman. It also helps me personally as I will feel more confident and secure if I am nicely dressed and looking good.

2. Confidence. Women like confidence. They want their guy to know what they are doing and be sure and certain and to take action. They don’t want their guy to be or show insecurity or uncertainty. So be certain, do things like you mean it.

On some kinds of dates like meeting for coffee I get bored really fast and then I don’t know what the hell to do and so I’m uncertain. I’m not going to do that anymore. I think I’ll bring a chess game or something like that. And if I get bored I’ll just end the date there and then and go home. Before I go home, if I like the girl a little, I’ll ask her if she wants to come over, with the intention of making out or fooling around. I don’t know if it is an error or not to ask a girl if she wants to come over on the first date.

What I don’t know:
Sometimes I’ll go on a first date with a girl that I’ll be excited about and really like and then they don’t want to see me anymore. What the hell is this? I don’t really know why this happens. I think I become somewhat clingy or something and they don’t want to see me again. So I have to change how I handle this. I don’t understand what is happening here. Usually the girl has some stupid excuse like she’s too busy with school to date right now, when I think that if she liked me she would find a way to make it work. Why the hell doesn’t she just tell me that she doesn’t really like me that much and so would prefer to date someone else or do other things? Fuck shit, this situation is so frustrating. I think this is my number one frustration. I feel like I’m being lied to and I don’t know the truth.

How am I going to date?
Get a date with a girl. There are several different evaluations about a girl on a first date:

I can find out if I like her or not on the first date. There are three evaluations and reactions:
1. I really like the girl.
2. I’m not particularly interested in the girl but wouldn’t mind her companionship and sex.
3. I’m not interested in this girl and I don’t want to associate with her.

I don’t know what I should do with the first kind of girl. This is where I’m uncertain and what I don’t know. Maybe this is why I fail with this kind of girl. I do know what I want to do with this kind of girl. I want to get to know her slowly. I want her to get to know me slowly. This means a quick first date. This means a fast second date. This is me not talking too much. This is me sending her flowers at work. Hmmmmm….. Maybe I should actually try this method (which I never did really), it might actually work out! Holly molly. hmmm. Perhaps it is worth a try? I’ve sort of done this, but what I did was long uncertain dates, being and feeling clingy. Maybe I should just really handle it like how I want to. Wow! I want to try this now. Lots of short dates, I don’t talk very much. I send flowers. Nothing physical. For dates and dates and dates. Hmmm. I really feel that’s how I would want to do it. I don’t know why.

The second girl I invite over or I ask her if I can come over to her place and I fool around with her and talk with her and have fun with her and maybe have sex with her.

The third kind of girl I’m polite to and leave. Sometimes this girl is still interested in me when I want to leave.

This draws me to another conclusion that I should treat the girl that I like, like the girl I’m not really interested in or the girl I don’t want to associate with with the difference that I keep dating the girl that I like. There’s this strategy.

So for the girl that I really like, I see two possible strategies:
1. Go straight for the fooling around and sex, treating her like the girl I’m not really interested in but like the companionship and sex with.
2. Have the fast, relatively uninformative, unphysical dates, but certain dates.– I feel like this wouldn’t work, but it’s what I’d want to do. Crap, frack.

I think my answer to boredom on a date or uncertainty about what to do next is ending the date and leaving. We’ll see if this has workability or not.