Weirdest Thing

This is so weird that it warrants a post.

For a very long time I’ve wanted a certain kind of girl. And I might have found just that kind of girl recently. She lives in England, which kind of makes sense because I’ve never found such a girl in California.

And she’s interested in going forward in starting a relationship and talking and seeing where things go. And she’s the kind of women that would probably make a good long-term relationship and wife, a thing I have dreamed of for many years. And I find myself turning this away, saying no thanks. I was talking to her today and I wanted to explain to her why I wasn’t that interested in moving forward and I was thinking and thinking of some rational reason for my behavior, or at least some kind reasoning or experience and I couldn’t pin point it. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel. I just feel like avoiding and I don’t know why. Isn’t this what I always wanted?

I’ve been feeling this and thinking about this. Maybe I don’t want what I used to want. Maybe what I want is modified from what I wanted in the past. This is a very recent change. I really started considering this when I saw how I felt concerning this English girl. I’ve changed my mind about what I want. Maybe I’m different. Or maybe it just took actually finding and confronting the actual reality of having what I have wanted to have to see that it isn’t what I actually want and that I had just thought I wanted it.

Maybe it’s how things developed, talking to her online and discussing her coming to California and visiting me, just rubbed me wrong. Maybe the approach just turned me off for some reason.

I definitely feel a sense of commitment required in me concerning this women and that scares me. Real commitment that could actually occur. Maybe I don’t want commitment. I used to think I did.

I think I do want commitment, but I think it just has to be right. I don’t want it to feel like a burden.

What do I want. Sometimes I think I just want an attractive woman to play with and have sex with. Is that so wrong? Of course I want other things too, things change and my desires and needs change. I guess I just certainly haven’t had enough attractive women to play with and have sex with.

Attractive women are so incredibly interesting to me to the point that I think it may or could make them uncomfortable. I mean interesting like I’m just so interested in every little detail about an attractive women and I’m so attentive. I don’t know why it is so interesting but it certainly is. An attractive woman could just sit there and do nothing and I would be quite interested. My only uneasiness is that I wouldn’t want to make the girl uneasy or bored or something — oh I’m so concerned of the comfort of an attractive lady. See, now aren’t you feeling a little funny about my attitude? All I can say is that I do like being interested in things. So oh well.

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